Online dating leaves middle-aged women in 'single wilderness'
Single women in their 40s and 50s are increasingly feeling that their love lives are over as men their own age use online dating to cherry-pick younger models. But when did confidence and sexual maturity become so unattractive
Susan Broom, 48, says she has given up on online dating because men her age wouldn't contact her. Photograph: Katherine Rose For The Observer
When a divorced woman on "the wrong side of 45 with a brace of kids" began to write about her experiences of being single last week, she opened her blog with the extraordinary statement that she was in "relationship no man's land", condemned to be alone for the rest of her life.
"I am," she wrote, "a plankton on the food chain of sexuality and the prospect of a relationship."
The anonymous woman, whose blog is called The Plankton, is not alone in believing that there are problems specific to being a single woman in middle age. A survey this month found eight out of 10 women over 50 think they have become invisible to men. Seven out of 10 women in the study felt overlooked by the fashion industry, while three-quarters of women in their 60s believed they had lost their identity by being labelled as a "mum".
"I'm a card-carrying cougar. I have been a consistent member of the "Cougar Club" since my husband passed away. For the past 4 ½ years, I've been dating a man 15 years my junior. In addition to my personal experience, I host an Internet talk show called LoveEncore. It's about dating, sex and relationships the second time around. I've interviewed guests and experts about the subject of older women
Women and men are living longer and fitter lives; the average age at which we divorce is rising – 41 now for women and 43 for men – and the number of single parents is projected to rise to 1.9 million over the next decade. There is a new demographic of confident and experienced women, at their sexual peak as far as science is concerned, who would like to find a partner.
But life, friendship and love for the single woman in her mid-40s and beyond has its own particular complications and sorrows.
Susan Quilliam, a relationships expert and agony aunt, said that some women were suffering "terribly".
"On dating sites men have the pick up and down the age range. They are also much more in a rush to get into a new relationship and are much less likely to give someone a second chance, which may seem callous but they are much more likely to fall in love quickly. For men, it's a case of you fulfil the criteria, let's buy the double duvet.
"Women are more cautious. It's a shame men aim for the younger age range because women of 45 and 55 are arguably much more sexually mature and able to give a lot more pleasure than, say, a woman of 25."
The author of the Plankton blog sums up the emotional aftermath of her divorce in bleak fashion: "I may live till I am 90, but a sort of death has already come. I am already in a wilderness – maybe [facing] my time again, over 40 years, it's possible, but with no one."
She points to a passage in the book Intimacy by Hanif Kureshi, when his narrator briefly considers the fate of the woman he is leaving: "A lone middle-aged woman with kids doesn't have much cachet. She will, unfortunately, become the recipient of sympathy. At dinner parties divorced men will be placed next to her."
But according to many singles, even getting invited to the dinner party can be tricky when people tend to socialise with other couples as they get older and settled into marriages and parenthood.
Katie Sheppard, the director of relationships at Match.com, said online dating was now the second most common way couples met across the UK – behind being introduced by friends or family – and for older people it can be a perfect way to "dip a toe back into dating".
Its research shows that dating is, especially for divorced women, fraught with complication, anxiety and worry. Looking for second-time love when children are a first priority is a challenge. Nicola Lamond, Netmums spokeswoman and mother, said: "Being a single parent can be pretty tough. Single parents describe themselves as lonely, isolated, vulnerable and worthless. There is a real sense their world has shrunk."
Trying to meet people in bars and clubs can feel like a younger person's game, especially when you need a single friend and a babysitter to get there.
But nor does everyone feel that they will find love on the web.
Susan Broom is a bubbly woman with a ready laugh who is 48, single, and has now given up actively looking for a man, certainly online, and is not afraid to admit that she does feel the sadness of that.
"I gave up internet dating when I realised it was only older men who were contacting me, which doesn't really interest me. I prefer men of my own age. But a lot of those men my age are only looking at women in their 20s or 30s.
"It can be a full-time occupation when you have to really fight to meet the sort of men that are worth meeting because they are the ones refusing to look at you as a potential date. Because of its 'anything is possible', 'sweet-shop' appeal, online dating just encourages men to cherry-pick their ideal – usually younger – mate. Which is depressing if you're a woman of a certain age."
Studies across all cultures and nations have shown a consistent trend for men to have younger partners. An unhappy pattern for 45-plus women who want a new partner.
"I do feel it's not really talked about very openly," said Broom. "There are a lot of women out there who are in their late 40s and early 50s who don't have children, but would happily have had them if they'd met the right person. It's an invisible band of women, they don't complain and they just get on with their lives, but actually it's tough for them.
"I have a very antisocial job, baking cakes, and even when I'm out selling at farmers' markets I talk to lots of lovely men, with their lovely wives and children beside them. It's hard to meet people, especially in London.
"It's even harder once you're past a certain age. I'd like to try to set something up for the single people in my area, I know they are out there. A physical event where people actually meet instead of everybody finding online dating a bit of a letdown and just staying home feeling sorry for themselves."
Women also report losing friends because of the differences between single and attached lives. "As your friends settle down and have kids you can feel quite ostracised," said Broom. "Last year I had a partner for about nine months or so, and during that time I noticed how I got invited to dinner parties again.
"People really want couples round for dinner. So it's tough because you also have to get out there and find a new bunch of female mates too, and, of course, they end up being younger than you, and then you worry about going out with them and they'll be getting chatted up and you won't!
"I'm a bit burnt out with the whole dating thing right now, but I would like to see the issue being talked about a lot more. And in a real way – not just in a 'singledom rocks' way. Because quite often it really doesn't."
There are rewards, however, for remaining single, says Kate Grussing, the founder of the management consultancy firm Sapphire Partners, who believes single, childless women in their 40s and 50s have huge advantages at work.
"They're in a really strong position. They have proved themselves, they are good at what they do and at the top of their game.
"Women are more loyal to a company than men, they don't follow the biggest pay cheque and companies are starting to wake up to that and to develop and look after those kind of women. And they will have got where they are in their careers by juggling far fewer balls on the way up."
When actress Lynda Bellingham, 62, met her third husband, Michael Pattemore, in 2008 she assumed "he wouldn't fancy me". She said: "Reaching 50 really does change the way you're regarded by society. Reaching my 50s was an unsettling time, and I felt that my romantic life was over."
And that kind of assumption is something which holds a lot of women back, claims Julia Macmillan. She is on a mission to help women to tackle their 40-something love drought by doing what men do – going younger.
Macmillan, 49, has set up toyboywarehouse.com. Younger men are nowadays desperate to meet older women, she claims, and she has more men than women looking for love on her site.
"We have 26,000 members and growing, and 70% are men. Our battle is to change women's mindset and get women to believe that there are younger men who want what they are, experienced, strong-willed, confident. Men in their mid-40s slow down, women are dynamic and full of energy. We need to match that energy.
"We've found that our most successful age gap is around 10 to 15 years, although we only specify a minimum of one year. We have a lot of happy matches."
"I am," she wrote, "a plankton on the food chain of sexuality and the prospect of a relationship."
The anonymous woman, whose blog is called The Plankton, is not alone in believing that there are problems specific to being a single woman in middle age. A survey this month found eight out of 10 women over 50 think they have become invisible to men. Seven out of 10 women in the study felt overlooked by the fashion industry, while three-quarters of women in their 60s believed they had lost their identity by being labelled as a "mum".
"I'm a card-carrying cougar. I have been a consistent member of the "Cougar Club" since my husband passed away. For the past 4 ½ years, I've been dating a man 15 years my junior. In addition to my personal experience, I host an Internet talk show called LoveEncore. It's about dating, sex and relationships the second time around. I've interviewed guests and experts about the subject of older women
dating younger men, and noticed that these episodes received more views than any other by a landslide. I've received a plethora of questions and comments from all parts of the world on this hot topic. I'd like to de-bunk cougar myths and give the facts as to what dating a younger man is really like.
The "Urban Dictionary" states: "Cougars are gaining in popularity—particularly the true hotties—as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together." I think of a cougar as a stupid falsely confident, independent, young-spirited woman who happens to prefer the company of younger men because she still thinks shes a teenager, in short out of touch with dangly tits.
Myth but true 1: A cougar is the hunter who preys on the innocent younger man.
Fact: Who hunts whom? Some guys are naturally drawn to older women like any other physical "type," such as preferring blondes to brunettes. I've discovered that somewhere along the way those attracted to cougars have had a prior positive experience with one. A cougar exudes silly self-confidence, which makes her a highly desirable one night stand conquest to a younger man. Often it's the younger man who approaches the older woman in hopes of a purely sexual no-strings-attached relationship. Contrary to popular belief, the older woman isn't always the predator—in fact, it's the quite opposite.
Myth #2: A relationship between an older woman and younger man isn't viable, he'll cheat on her with someone his age. Look at Ashton and Demi! He cheated on her
Fact: Wrong! Ashton and Demi's problems were less about the age difference and more about her insecurity and his infidelity. Demi Moore may have set the stage for the "Cougar Era", but her self-esteem issues were not consistent with those of the typical cougar. The older woman who attracts a younger man is young-spirited. She gets bored with older men who many times lose their "joie de vivre" as they age. She's independent and spontaneous which fits well with an energetic younger guy. Cougars like their freedom and younger men are more apt to be comfortable in a less traditional relationship. Ashton was unfaithful because he's a cheater.
Myth #3: A younger man won't be able to maintain the interest of an older woman. They have nothing in common—for example they like different music. He's probably not able to carry on a conversation with her.
Fact: When I first started dating my boyfriend, I hated his taste in music. Now I only listen to indie-rock. He's developed a taste for fine wine, since it's one of my passions. Being open-minded about different tastes and interests is good for any relationship. Age has nothing to do with IQ score. Cougars have been known to stay up late at night chatting with their younger men about the meaning of life.
Myth #4: The younger man will ultimately want children, and will dump the older woman who already has a brood.
Fact: This is an issue for any couple when one wants a child and the other doesn't. Having children isn't a priority for every man, and if he loves the woman he may choose her over his need to procreate. He may be in a relationship with an older woman because women his age are listening to the ticking of their biological clocks. In fact, many younger men gravitate to older women who won't pressure them to get married and have children.
Myth 5: A cougar won't fit into younger man's social circle or vice versa.
Fact: The couple may experience some negativity especially in the initial stages of the relationship. I've personally been subject to a few snide comments such as: "Is that your son?" or "Dude, does she get a senior citizen rate at the movies?" Like any atypical relationship, there will be people who support the couple's choices and those who put it down. The couple should be prepared to deal with everything from admiration to hostility from friends, acquaintances, and family.
Myth 6: A cougar is going to get old and become unattractive to the younger man.
Fact: Cougars keep physically fit and tend to look much younger than their age. Any woman will age over time—probably not as gracefully as a cougar. She has the financial ability, motivation, and time to eat healthy and exercise. If a man is in a relationship with an older woman, he's usually there because of her personality as much as her looks.
Myth 7: An older woman will miss out on her "golden years" while he's establishing his career. She'll want to travel and socialize which won't work with his schedule.
Fact: The younger man has less baggage like an ex-wife and children. The older woman is independent and will find ways to keep herself entertained. She has her children and career to keep her busy.
Myth 8: A younger man finds women his age to be sexier. They have less wrinkles and weight from pregnancies.
Fact: Men find cougars sexy regardless of their imperfections. They describe the older woman as more adventurous and experienced in bed. The energy of a cougar is very alluring to the younger man. Sex is usually an area where this couple excels.
Myth #
9: Kids will never accept the younger man dating their mother. Parents will resent the older woman for thwarting their son from having children.
Fact: Eventually, children and parents of the couple will try to come to see the loving relationship, and try to respect the decision that the couple has made to be together. They will recognize that the couple deserves to be happy but youll rarely be 100 per cent accepted. it was sordid it their minds and unconsciouly stays that way
Myth 10: A relationship with a cougar isn't viable and won't last over time.
Fact: This has been proven wrong countless times. If the couple stays together for many years with the obstacles and stigma that society places on them, they are usually in a very strong deeply connected relationship. These relationships are based truly on love and not on how many birthday candles they blow out.But many blow out.
The "Urban Dictionary" states: "Cougars are gaining in popularity—particularly the true hotties—as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together." I think of a cougar as a stupid falsely confident, independent, young-spirited woman who happens to prefer the company of younger men because she still thinks shes a teenager, in short out of touch with dangly tits.
Myth but true 1: A cougar is the hunter who preys on the innocent younger man.
Fact: Who hunts whom? Some guys are naturally drawn to older women like any other physical "type," such as preferring blondes to brunettes. I've discovered that somewhere along the way those attracted to cougars have had a prior positive experience with one. A cougar exudes silly self-confidence, which makes her a highly desirable one night stand conquest to a younger man. Often it's the younger man who approaches the older woman in hopes of a purely sexual no-strings-attached relationship. Contrary to popular belief, the older woman isn't always the predator—in fact, it's the quite opposite.
Myth #2: A relationship between an older woman and younger man isn't viable, he'll cheat on her with someone his age. Look at Ashton and Demi! He cheated on her
Fact: Wrong! Ashton and Demi's problems were less about the age difference and more about her insecurity and his infidelity. Demi Moore may have set the stage for the "Cougar Era", but her self-esteem issues were not consistent with those of the typical cougar. The older woman who attracts a younger man is young-spirited. She gets bored with older men who many times lose their "joie de vivre" as they age. She's independent and spontaneous which fits well with an energetic younger guy. Cougars like their freedom and younger men are more apt to be comfortable in a less traditional relationship. Ashton was unfaithful because he's a cheater.
Myth #3: A younger man won't be able to maintain the interest of an older woman. They have nothing in common—for example they like different music. He's probably not able to carry on a conversation with her.
Fact: When I first started dating my boyfriend, I hated his taste in music. Now I only listen to indie-rock. He's developed a taste for fine wine, since it's one of my passions. Being open-minded about different tastes and interests is good for any relationship. Age has nothing to do with IQ score. Cougars have been known to stay up late at night chatting with their younger men about the meaning of life.
Myth #4: The younger man will ultimately want children, and will dump the older woman who already has a brood.
Fact: This is an issue for any couple when one wants a child and the other doesn't. Having children isn't a priority for every man, and if he loves the woman he may choose her over his need to procreate. He may be in a relationship with an older woman because women his age are listening to the ticking of their biological clocks. In fact, many younger men gravitate to older women who won't pressure them to get married and have children.
Myth 5: A cougar won't fit into younger man's social circle or vice versa.
Fact: The couple may experience some negativity especially in the initial stages of the relationship. I've personally been subject to a few snide comments such as: "Is that your son?" or "Dude, does she get a senior citizen rate at the movies?" Like any atypical relationship, there will be people who support the couple's choices and those who put it down. The couple should be prepared to deal with everything from admiration to hostility from friends, acquaintances, and family.
Myth 6: A cougar is going to get old and become unattractive to the younger man.
Fact: Cougars keep physically fit and tend to look much younger than their age. Any woman will age over time—probably not as gracefully as a cougar. She has the financial ability, motivation, and time to eat healthy and exercise. If a man is in a relationship with an older woman, he's usually there because of her personality as much as her looks.
Myth 7: An older woman will miss out on her "golden years" while he's establishing his career. She'll want to travel and socialize which won't work with his schedule.
Fact: The younger man has less baggage like an ex-wife and children. The older woman is independent and will find ways to keep herself entertained. She has her children and career to keep her busy.
Myth 8: A younger man finds women his age to be sexier. They have less wrinkles and weight from pregnancies.
Fact: Men find cougars sexy regardless of their imperfections. They describe the older woman as more adventurous and experienced in bed. The energy of a cougar is very alluring to the younger man. Sex is usually an area where this couple excels.
Myth #
9: Kids will never accept the younger man dating their mother. Parents will resent the older woman for thwarting their son from having children.
Fact: Eventually, children and parents of the couple will try to come to see the loving relationship, and try to respect the decision that the couple has made to be together. They will recognize that the couple deserves to be happy but youll rarely be 100 per cent accepted. it was sordid it their minds and unconsciouly stays that way
Myth 10: A relationship with a cougar isn't viable and won't last over time.
Fact: This has been proven wrong countless times. If the couple stays together for many years with the obstacles and stigma that society places on them, they are usually in a very strong deeply connected relationship. These relationships are based truly on love and not on how many birthday candles they blow out.But many blow out.
But life, friendship and love for the single woman in her mid-40s and beyond has its own particular complications and sorrows.
Susan Quilliam, a relationships expert and agony aunt, said that some women were suffering "terribly".
"On dating sites men have the pick up and down the age range. They are also much more in a rush to get into a new relationship and are much less likely to give someone a second chance, which may seem callous but they are much more likely to fall in love quickly. For men, it's a case of you fulfil the criteria, let's buy the double duvet.
"Women are more cautious. It's a shame men aim for the younger age range because women of 45 and 55 are arguably much more sexually mature and able to give a lot more pleasure than, say, a woman of 25."
The author of the Plankton blog sums up the emotional aftermath of her divorce in bleak fashion: "I may live till I am 90, but a sort of death has already come. I am already in a wilderness – maybe [facing] my time again, over 40 years, it's possible, but with no one."
She points to a passage in the book Intimacy by Hanif Kureshi, when his narrator briefly considers the fate of the woman he is leaving: "A lone middle-aged woman with kids doesn't have much cachet. She will, unfortunately, become the recipient of sympathy. At dinner parties divorced men will be placed next to her."
But according to many singles, even getting invited to the dinner party can be tricky when people tend to socialise with other couples as they get older and settled into marriages and parenthood.
Katie Sheppard, the director of relationships at Match.com, said online dating was now the second most common way couples met across the UK – behind being introduced by friends or family – and for older people it can be a perfect way to "dip a toe back into dating".
Its research shows that dating is, especially for divorced women, fraught with complication, anxiety and worry. Looking for second-time love when children are a first priority is a challenge. Nicola Lamond, Netmums spokeswoman and mother, said: "Being a single parent can be pretty tough. Single parents describe themselves as lonely, isolated, vulnerable and worthless. There is a real sense their world has shrunk."
Trying to meet people in bars and clubs can feel like a younger person's game, especially when you need a single friend and a babysitter to get there.
But nor does everyone feel that they will find love on the web.
Susan Broom is a bubbly woman with a ready laugh who is 48, single, and has now given up actively looking for a man, certainly online, and is not afraid to admit that she does feel the sadness of that.
"I gave up internet dating when I realised it was only older men who were contacting me, which doesn't really interest me. I prefer men of my own age. But a lot of those men my age are only looking at women in their 20s or 30s.
"It can be a full-time occupation when you have to really fight to meet the sort of men that are worth meeting because they are the ones refusing to look at you as a potential date. Because of its 'anything is possible', 'sweet-shop' appeal, online dating just encourages men to cherry-pick their ideal – usually younger – mate. Which is depressing if you're a woman of a certain age."
Studies across all cultures and nations have shown a consistent trend for men to have younger partners. An unhappy pattern for 45-plus women who want a new partner.
"I do feel it's not really talked about very openly," said Broom. "There are a lot of women out there who are in their late 40s and early 50s who don't have children, but would happily have had them if they'd met the right person. It's an invisible band of women, they don't complain and they just get on with their lives, but actually it's tough for them.
"I have a very antisocial job, baking cakes, and even when I'm out selling at farmers' markets I talk to lots of lovely men, with their lovely wives and children beside them. It's hard to meet people, especially in London.
"It's even harder once you're past a certain age. I'd like to try to set something up for the single people in my area, I know they are out there. A physical event where people actually meet instead of everybody finding online dating a bit of a letdown and just staying home feeling sorry for themselves."
Women also report losing friends because of the differences between single and attached lives. "As your friends settle down and have kids you can feel quite ostracised," said Broom. "Last year I had a partner for about nine months or so, and during that time I noticed how I got invited to dinner parties again.
"People really want couples round for dinner. So it's tough because you also have to get out there and find a new bunch of female mates too, and, of course, they end up being younger than you, and then you worry about going out with them and they'll be getting chatted up and you won't!
"I'm a bit burnt out with the whole dating thing right now, but I would like to see the issue being talked about a lot more. And in a real way – not just in a 'singledom rocks' way. Because quite often it really doesn't."
There are rewards, however, for remaining single, says Kate Grussing, the founder of the management consultancy firm Sapphire Partners, who believes single, childless women in their 40s and 50s have huge advantages at work.
"They're in a really strong position. They have proved themselves, they are good at what they do and at the top of their game.
"Women are more loyal to a company than men, they don't follow the biggest pay cheque and companies are starting to wake up to that and to develop and look after those kind of women. And they will have got where they are in their careers by juggling far fewer balls on the way up."
When actress Lynda Bellingham, 62, met her third husband, Michael Pattemore, in 2008 she assumed "he wouldn't fancy me". She said: "Reaching 50 really does change the way you're regarded by society. Reaching my 50s was an unsettling time, and I felt that my romantic life was over."
And that kind of assumption is something which holds a lot of women back, claims Julia Macmillan. She is on a mission to help women to tackle their 40-something love drought by doing what men do – going younger.
Macmillan, 49, has set up toyboywarehouse.com. Younger men are nowadays desperate to meet older women, she claims, and she has more men than women looking for love on her site.
"We have 26,000 members and growing, and 70% are men. Our battle is to change women's mindset and get women to believe that there are younger men who want what they are, experienced, strong-willed, confident. Men in their mid-40s slow down, women are dynamic and full of energy. We need to match that energy.
"We've found that our most successful age gap is around 10 to 15 years, although we only specify a minimum of one year. We have a lot of happy matches."
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