HIGH GRADE SEX BUT YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS

Developing a reliable, high-grade fuck buddy is one of the most difficult, but, ultimately, rewarding, things that a girl can do. With a little careful work you too can have all of the following:

1. Sex

2. Someone to occasionally change a lightbulb, or get you guestlist, or help you get stuff out of your loft

That’s it.

Unfortunately, the road to successful fuck-buddydom is often fraught with difficulties. In the interests of both parties, therefore, please find below T guide to finding and maintaining the perfect fuck buddy, or ‘we’re not friends, and we never will be, but please put me and my friends on the concessions list for your club’.

Step 1:

Identify the fuck buddy.

Ok, so in my experience this is usually a pretty straightforward endeavour: I’m not going to write a guide to pulling, I’m going to save that material for the slower winter months, but basically you want to go on a night out with Girl Gang and then make hot sexy eyes at any available man who takes your fancy. You’ll know they’re single because they’re out, in a bar, in Dalston.

When you want a man to know you’re interested in them, you do the following: dance with your friends, whilst looking at him. When you catch him looking at you, smile. When he’s not looking at you, smile. Basically, just always smile. Whilst dancing with your friends. But looking at him.

There are a couple of other stages to this, like the ‘I’ve lost my friends –can I hang with you’ routine (which usually is better executed when your friends aren’t standing in a massive group, shouting your name and then looking confused when you ignore them). Sometimes, if times are reallydesperate, you can fake stumble into them and then ask them for a cigarette, but normally I find that smiling like a maniac whilst staring them out generally gets the ‘I’m into casual sex’ message across in an expedient and effective manner.

Step 2:

Road Test your Buddy

Well, this is pretty straightforward. Or at least, you would think it is – but unfortunately fuck buddies aren’t always the most reliable of lovers. You see, as you’re not their girlfriend, they don’t have to hit all the marks, action-wise, every time. This can be frustrating. The gold standard you’re aiming for, really, is someone with such a massive pride thing (or hugely damaged ego), that they’re going to make it their mission to make you come, every time. I once thought that I had hit gold with my I-met-him-in-the-queue-for-the-cloakroom-at-Fabric-closing-time fuck buddy, who ‘rocked this party’, Black-Eyed Peas style,  for the first couple of times we ever hooked up. Unfortunately, when I went around to his house for another session of what I thought was going to be gold standard fuck buddying he made me watch a VIN DIESEL film whilst eating hash brownies, and it turned out that, minus the Class As (him, not me) , he wasn’t so hot after all. So, as with all other major purchases- road test your buddy in all conditions. Is he good drunk? Is he better high? Most importantly, what is he like sober?

Step 3:

Establish your schedule

Ok, so this is the golden rule really of fuck buddying. Establish what you will and won’t do, and, most importantly, what you’re allowed to do with other people. In my experience, it’s best to keep your fuck buddies apart –  it’s also good to have a hierarchy of fuck buddies, so that you can make contingency plans when one fuck buddy drops off the radar (surprisingly, girlfriends aren’t actually the biggest killers of fuck buddies, it’s usually more distance that’s the issue- if you’re really good they might come up from Mile End, but ain’t no one gonna go south of the river for nobody). Most importantly, don’t double-book your fuck buddies. Much like drug dealers, or buses, they’ll usually let you down, but every once in a while they’ll both come through. As happened in my last weekend in Dalston, in which I had to explain to Fuck Buddy A why I needed to go downstairs to the door to explain why Fuck Buddy B couldn’t actually come in. All very embarrassing, and actually very frustrating as I really would have preferred to see Fuck Buddy B that night anyway.

Finally, enjoy your buddy! I would say that most fuck buddies have a six month period before they start to go a bit bad and you need to put that little yellow ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on them and whack them on the lower fridge shelf. Like exotic fruit, or non-elasticised tights, or a poorly-executed bikini wax, fuck buddies don’t last long, so enjoy them while you can. And remember girls – stay safe. A healthy fuck buddy is a happy fuck buddy.

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